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Friday, November 26, 2010

NUDE BEACH STORIES

Warning: No nudey
pictures, just a funny story:
I should have known, back
when I was 5 years old and
still streaking through the
neighborhood at which
point my mom
exhaustingly explained to
the neighbors she just
couldn't keep any clothes
on me, that somehow my
life's path would have a
nude beach in store for
me.
While my friends were
getting roommates to save
money on living expenses, I
spent the extra money
necessary to live by myself
just so I could walk around
nude whenever I pleased.
At least I saved money by
never owning pajamas or a
bath robe all that time.
I would have been an ideal
nudist, but I didn't even
know that culture existed,
let alone nude beaches. I
thought those things
happened in foreign
countries, like the French
and their topless beaches. I
live in the northwest, far
from France, so I thought
my dreams of visiting a
nude beach were
impossible and I was ok
with that, after all, I had
my own apartment to live
out my nudist dream.
Let me continue my nude
tale...One day, about 8
years ago, my ex-boyfriend
whom I was/am still good
friends with, asked me to
go for a drive to this cool
farm area he knew about
on Sauvie Island, Oregon.
He knew I loved fresh
veggies and fruit and these
farms were perfect for me.
So off we go on our little
trip and It was such a
beautiful day. The quaint,
yet trendy farms were all I
had hoped for- I got fresh
cut flowers and hand-
picked some fruit.
After we were finished at
the farms, we decided to
take a drive further down
the old country road that
seemed to wind on forever
until eventually it came to
a narrow gravel road. On
and on we went down this
gravel road- we only
continued because there
were quite a few cars
parked ahead in the
distance so we're thinking
there must be something
going on or at least some
sight seeing.
Finally, a sign caught my
attention "Clothing
optional area beyond these
trees". We both looked at
each other and he totally
read my mind when he
backed up and drove by
the sign again in slow
motioned disbelief. At this
point, we figured we drove
all that way so what the
heck. We parked at the end
of a row of cars and stifled
our childish laughs (ok we
couldn't stifle our laughs,
but we tried). As we made
our way through the trees,
the main thought going
through my head was I
doubt anybody will
actually be naked. I was
initially right because we
stepped into the clearing
facing a beach and a
romantic couple walking
hand in and hand with
bare feet- nothing else
bare though. Disappointing
but hey it was a nice beach
so we walked on a little
further.
WHOA! Naked was
suddenly everywhere;
playing volleyball,
frolicking in the water,
building sand castles,
eating sandwiches (note to
self: Nude sandwich eating-
must try that someday). It
was a bit overwhelming
even for me the closet
nudist, but suddenly I felt
uncomfortably
overdressed. It was a hot
day and my ex-boyfriend
had already seen me naked
a billion times ( we were
together 5 years), so again I
say what the heck. I can't
say I just tore off my
clothes immediately, but
rather a little came off at a
time and we stayed
nervously near the tall
grass and shrubbery.
Needless to say we did not
pull off veteran nudists
very well, we were
definitely the obvious
newbie nudists that day. I
gotta say it's a lot easier
being nude in your own
apartment with the blinds
closed. I thought I was
queen of the castle in my
apartment, but at this
beach I was more like
peasant prudist (prude
nudist).
Once nude, we put our
clothes down and sat on
them (no sand in our
cracks for us), still up near
the shrubbery and tall
grassy area. The
conversation flowed,
maybe better than ever
because we were nude with
no pretenses or
expectations. It was
surprisingly intoxicating to
feel so free. Next time
somebody says skydiving is
a freeing experience, I'll just
reply " yes, but have you
been to a nude beach?"
However, there was a point
where it got creepy
because we noticed a man
with dark sunglasses sitting
near the beach, but facing
opposite of the water and
directly in our direction.
Was he staring? Ewww
gross! Even grosser, he
blatantly got binoculars
out and was definitely
facing our direction. My ex-
boyfriend began
instinctively threatening to
go down there and kick his
ass for being so crude
about staring at me.
As he intently walked
toward this man, the man's
binoculars exaggeratingly
followed my ex-boyfriend's
every move. Instantly I
knew what was going on- I
ran (this is a whole other
interesting nude
experience) and caught up
with my ex and told him
the man wasn't interested
in looking at me, it was him
who held his gaze.
Suddenly the pieces fell
into place, and the instant
look of horror in my ex's
expression was priceless.
Now this was funny! Not
for my ex as he's still a
little squeamish about
homosexuality.
My ex no longer wanted to
fight this man for fear it
might turn him gay or give
him gay cooties(trust me,
he thinks this way) so we
simply walked past him as
the man smiled at my ex
and said "nice", ogling him
up and down. I was
laughing all the way back
to our car and I'm sure
others thought I was in
hysterics because I was
immature about the whole
nude thing, well it was that
too, but mostly our little
joke.
And that was my accidental
nude beach story. I learned
that nude beaches are a
safer adrenaline rush than
skydiving, and also, men
aren't very attractive when
playing nude volleyball.
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